She would change everything, everything just ask her
Caught in the inbetween, a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home.

Beautiful Disaster- Jon McLaughlin

Look up the Lyrics to this song. It pretty much alligns perfectly with my life these days. I'm totally stuck in between stages right now; between independantly living on my own 2500 miles away from my family, and needing them to be my crutch to live off of. I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm freaking out about everything back in Oregon.

Also in the same song, there's a line that I'm feeling right now.
"Every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
the pictures that she sees makes her cry."

I have always struggled with my weight, not feeling like I was beautiful because I'm not "thin". I know that I'm not fat but I'm still not happy with my body. I'm embarrassed to say this but at the same time, I don't really think anyone is reading this so why the hell not. I went through a tough time earlier this year and I made myself throw up twice after eating. The thing is, it came extremely easy to me. I felt good after but also I felt guilty and I felt like I was hurting myself. I couldnt believe I would stoop so low to "fit in". I've seriously considered trying to purge to lose weight but so far I haven't and I'm proud of myself.
The reason I haven't is because I made a promise to my roommate. I had a break down and just confided everything in her, about my self image problems and I told her I would never do it again, so I havent.
I know that I am a nice person, I know that I'm pretty-ish but I'm also very average. Boys aren't interested in me. At least that's how I feel, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Speaking of boys, "that boy" hasn't responded to my texts in 2 weeks. That also makes me feel great. I also found a picture of him and another girl on facebook. grrreeeaaattt. or not. well his loss not mine.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE.
I leave to go back to Oregon in 8 days, that means I get to start packing tomorrow :]. I'm so ready.

But first I'll be taking a trip to dreamland.
Until next time,
<3 S