I love the person I learned to be.

A lot has happened since last time I wrote.

First of all, I'm back in the good ol' land of trees and mountains, also known as Oregon. It has been so nice to be back but I already miss my family and I've only been away from them for a week.

Life is going great though. I moved into my new house up at school, on Wednesday, unpacked what bags I had, and packed my things back up to be a counselor at a 4-H youth camp at the coast. The camp is called Lobster Creek Camp and this camp is pretty much the highlight of my summer every year. I went as a camper to this camp the summers after my 7th and 8th grade school years and this was my fourth year as a counselor. This camp is an hour inland of Brookings, OR, down old gravel logging roads. It's literally right next to the most beautiful creek I have ever seen, which is a tributary to the Rogue River. This camp, without a doubt, has changed my life. I grew into the person I am today because of the values that I learned from Lobster Creek.

One of the things that always amazes me about Lobster Creek is the fact that I spend a total of 5 days with a select group of campers and counselors, and I would consider most of them some of my dearest friends. I met my best friend at camp, I met some people who have changed my life for the better, just by goofing around and loving me unconditionally for who I am. I can be myself at this camp and I know that I'm not being judged, I'm not being laughed at (well sometimes I am but it's because I act like an idiot), and I'm not being held to unrealistic standards. I feel incredibly loved. How many places can you go where you are just plain loved?! For me, there's one place, and it is Lobster Creek Camp.

I got extremely emotional last night, which was the last night at camp, because I realized that I probably won't be coming back to LC next year. Due to the need of money to pay my bills, I will probably have to work a steady job next summer and I will either be living in Corvallis or in Ohio. I made accommodations this summer SO I could go to camp but the reality sank in that it won't be like that always. I almost had to have a grieving session because I knew that little part of me would be over. I probably won't be taking that old logging road down to my own little piece of Heaven next year. That got my eyes watering and my campers surrounded me with more love than I could even ponder. It is such an incredible feeling to be loved by a group of kids that you just met five days ago and I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have experienced that immense love, not only once, but four times.

The friends I made touched my life. I could be my real self in front of them and I know they'd come running if ever I called. How can this happen in just five short days? I don't know. If I did, I would use it where ever I went, but what I do know is that there is some kind of bond that can only be made by that type of situation. Being "trapped" on a hill in a valley, without technology, warm water and drama can really change the lives of the teenagers who open their minds and hearts to the concept. We make inside jokes that last for years and bonds that are strengthened by distance and that one place in our hearts.

Even though I won't be returning, the memories made and the time spent at LC will stay with me for the rest of my life. I love the person I learned to be at Lobster Creek 4-H camp.

I'll be a wreck on the plane.

My sister is writing me a journal.
Every day she writes in it, whether it be about how annoying I'm being or if there's actually something she wants to bring up. It's brilliant and I have to find a notebook tonight so I can start one for her. I think I might do a sketchbook style one for her. Ya know, journal, drawings, magazine clippings. The whole lot of it.

I know when I read hers I'm going to bawl. She told me shes doing it so that she can tell me about everything when i'm not here. It breaks my heart that I'm not here for her for high school. As annoying as she is, we've gotten so close this summer.

I'm going to be a wreck on Wednesday on the plane.

Until next time,

<3 S

My ass hurts.

I have a welt on my ass and it hurts so badly.

I went paintballing today and I have 6 battle wounds (aka welts from the paintballs). We went for my friend Alli's birthday today with her fiance and a bunch of her friends. My brother came too because they needed more people and we had a great time but my ass hurts from the welt right below my belt on my right butt cheek. LOL

I have 4 days until I leave and I am nowhere near being ready... I'll start freaking out tomorrow most likely.

Also the little green monster of jealousy is peaking her ugly head over my shoulder today. Found another picture of the motorcycle girl on "that boy"'s facebook. I really should stop checking his page. On a positive note, I texted him on Thursday telling him that I would be in town a week from that day and we should grab a cup of coffee. He wrote back (which he hadn't done in two weeks) a long message saying that he had to work but we'd work something out and "hopefully I'll see you soon sara". Direct quote. One HUMONGOUS problem. He spelled my name wrong. He's going to get SOOO much crap for that. I'm going to write him a letter tonight, with the intention of never letting him read it.
Lame? yes. Dramatic? yes. Fun? yes.
I'm nervous to see him because I've had all summer to think about him and I don't know if he'll feel the same way when I'm back. More so, I want to see his reaction when he sees me though. Will he be excited? regular? unaffected?

Until then,

<3 S

Breakdown time.

Last night I had a mini-breakdown. Minus the mini part. I went into full on freak out mode and thankfully, my baby sister was there to pick up the pieces.

After what seems to be the longest summer of my life, it seems like moving has leaped up behind me and scared me to death, and last night everything I've been keeping in was unleashed. Full fledged sobbing did occur. The good thing was that my 14 year old sister smacked some sense into me in a way not many people could do. I went from bawling my brains out to giggling in a very short period of time. For that I will always be thankful and I hope she realizes it.

On a more positive note, today, I didn't even freak out once.

On a random note, a guy friend from my old job told me he was playing soccer with a boy I was completely ga-ga over last summer. I think this boy I was ga-ga over was my first love but I'd never tell him that since we never actually dated. Awkward, right?! Ya, definitely. The funny thing is that no matter where I am- Oregon, school, Ohio- this guy follows me. Obviously not literally. It's just kind of annoying because I was finally starting to get over this guy until I met "that boy".
When "that boy" drove down to see me before the move, the last-summer-boy was at the courts at which we were playing. Again, AWKWARD. I'm over last-summer-boy but since "that boy" has forgotten that I exist, I've found myself thinking about last-summer-boy.
The workings of a teenage female mind are just revolting. And boredom does NOT help.

A week from today and I will be in Oregon. My future is awaiting me.

Until then, here are some more pictures I took here in Ohio at the Canton Art District in Canton Ohio.





<3 S

She would change everything, everything just ask her
Caught in the inbetween, a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home.

Beautiful Disaster- Jon McLaughlin

Look up the Lyrics to this song. It pretty much alligns perfectly with my life these days. I'm totally stuck in between stages right now; between independantly living on my own 2500 miles away from my family, and needing them to be my crutch to live off of. I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm freaking out about everything back in Oregon.

Also in the same song, there's a line that I'm feeling right now.
"Every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
the pictures that she sees makes her cry."

I have always struggled with my weight, not feeling like I was beautiful because I'm not "thin". I know that I'm not fat but I'm still not happy with my body. I'm embarrassed to say this but at the same time, I don't really think anyone is reading this so why the hell not. I went through a tough time earlier this year and I made myself throw up twice after eating. The thing is, it came extremely easy to me. I felt good after but also I felt guilty and I felt like I was hurting myself. I couldnt believe I would stoop so low to "fit in". I've seriously considered trying to purge to lose weight but so far I haven't and I'm proud of myself.
The reason I haven't is because I made a promise to my roommate. I had a break down and just confided everything in her, about my self image problems and I told her I would never do it again, so I havent.
I know that I am a nice person, I know that I'm pretty-ish but I'm also very average. Boys aren't interested in me. At least that's how I feel, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Speaking of boys, "that boy" hasn't responded to my texts in 2 weeks. That also makes me feel great. I also found a picture of him and another girl on facebook. grrreeeaaattt. or not. well his loss not mine.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE.
I leave to go back to Oregon in 8 days, that means I get to start packing tomorrow :]. I'm so ready.

But first I'll be taking a trip to dreamland.
Until next time,
<3 S