Ouch, my head.

Ya I know, I've let ALL of you readers down by not posting about my life lately. Here's the long and short of it.

I'm completely moved into the Corvallis house. It's really nice and cozy and I haven't burned it down yet which is a giant step in the right direction.

Here's a short summation of the last few weeks.

No friends who are moved up to school= very minimal social life.
Drove down to the valley to spend the weekend hanging out with the guy I want to marry in like 7 years.
Rafted the most bad-ass water of my life.
Started randomly talking to an old flame. My fault there. What can I say, I am always drawn to that boy, despite how much I want to let him go.
Partied at my own house when my roommates came down for a few days.
Hit my head on a cabinet during a food fight.
Got a phone call from my friend Kyle who I miss terribly and thought he forgot about my existence. Turns out he misses me too!

It's been so much better than Ohio.

BUT...

I miss my family SO badly. It's so weird because I feel like they have this little life and I am completely not involved with it. It makes me really sad, actually. I don't want them to forget about me...

I'm not ending this as a poor little emo girl, SO I am printing out sooo many pictures to hang up in my house. LOVE IT!

Until next time,
<3 S

I love the person I learned to be.

A lot has happened since last time I wrote.

First of all, I'm back in the good ol' land of trees and mountains, also known as Oregon. It has been so nice to be back but I already miss my family and I've only been away from them for a week.

Life is going great though. I moved into my new house up at school, on Wednesday, unpacked what bags I had, and packed my things back up to be a counselor at a 4-H youth camp at the coast. The camp is called Lobster Creek Camp and this camp is pretty much the highlight of my summer every year. I went as a camper to this camp the summers after my 7th and 8th grade school years and this was my fourth year as a counselor. This camp is an hour inland of Brookings, OR, down old gravel logging roads. It's literally right next to the most beautiful creek I have ever seen, which is a tributary to the Rogue River. This camp, without a doubt, has changed my life. I grew into the person I am today because of the values that I learned from Lobster Creek.

One of the things that always amazes me about Lobster Creek is the fact that I spend a total of 5 days with a select group of campers and counselors, and I would consider most of them some of my dearest friends. I met my best friend at camp, I met some people who have changed my life for the better, just by goofing around and loving me unconditionally for who I am. I can be myself at this camp and I know that I'm not being judged, I'm not being laughed at (well sometimes I am but it's because I act like an idiot), and I'm not being held to unrealistic standards. I feel incredibly loved. How many places can you go where you are just plain loved?! For me, there's one place, and it is Lobster Creek Camp.

I got extremely emotional last night, which was the last night at camp, because I realized that I probably won't be coming back to LC next year. Due to the need of money to pay my bills, I will probably have to work a steady job next summer and I will either be living in Corvallis or in Ohio. I made accommodations this summer SO I could go to camp but the reality sank in that it won't be like that always. I almost had to have a grieving session because I knew that little part of me would be over. I probably won't be taking that old logging road down to my own little piece of Heaven next year. That got my eyes watering and my campers surrounded me with more love than I could even ponder. It is such an incredible feeling to be loved by a group of kids that you just met five days ago and I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have experienced that immense love, not only once, but four times.

The friends I made touched my life. I could be my real self in front of them and I know they'd come running if ever I called. How can this happen in just five short days? I don't know. If I did, I would use it where ever I went, but what I do know is that there is some kind of bond that can only be made by that type of situation. Being "trapped" on a hill in a valley, without technology, warm water and drama can really change the lives of the teenagers who open their minds and hearts to the concept. We make inside jokes that last for years and bonds that are strengthened by distance and that one place in our hearts.

Even though I won't be returning, the memories made and the time spent at LC will stay with me for the rest of my life. I love the person I learned to be at Lobster Creek 4-H camp.

I'll be a wreck on the plane.

My sister is writing me a journal.
Every day she writes in it, whether it be about how annoying I'm being or if there's actually something she wants to bring up. It's brilliant and I have to find a notebook tonight so I can start one for her. I think I might do a sketchbook style one for her. Ya know, journal, drawings, magazine clippings. The whole lot of it.

I know when I read hers I'm going to bawl. She told me shes doing it so that she can tell me about everything when i'm not here. It breaks my heart that I'm not here for her for high school. As annoying as she is, we've gotten so close this summer.

I'm going to be a wreck on Wednesday on the plane.

Until next time,

<3 S

My ass hurts.

I have a welt on my ass and it hurts so badly.

I went paintballing today and I have 6 battle wounds (aka welts from the paintballs). We went for my friend Alli's birthday today with her fiance and a bunch of her friends. My brother came too because they needed more people and we had a great time but my ass hurts from the welt right below my belt on my right butt cheek. LOL

I have 4 days until I leave and I am nowhere near being ready... I'll start freaking out tomorrow most likely.

Also the little green monster of jealousy is peaking her ugly head over my shoulder today. Found another picture of the motorcycle girl on "that boy"'s facebook. I really should stop checking his page. On a positive note, I texted him on Thursday telling him that I would be in town a week from that day and we should grab a cup of coffee. He wrote back (which he hadn't done in two weeks) a long message saying that he had to work but we'd work something out and "hopefully I'll see you soon sara". Direct quote. One HUMONGOUS problem. He spelled my name wrong. He's going to get SOOO much crap for that. I'm going to write him a letter tonight, with the intention of never letting him read it.
Lame? yes. Dramatic? yes. Fun? yes.
I'm nervous to see him because I've had all summer to think about him and I don't know if he'll feel the same way when I'm back. More so, I want to see his reaction when he sees me though. Will he be excited? regular? unaffected?

Until then,

<3 S

Breakdown time.

Last night I had a mini-breakdown. Minus the mini part. I went into full on freak out mode and thankfully, my baby sister was there to pick up the pieces.

After what seems to be the longest summer of my life, it seems like moving has leaped up behind me and scared me to death, and last night everything I've been keeping in was unleashed. Full fledged sobbing did occur. The good thing was that my 14 year old sister smacked some sense into me in a way not many people could do. I went from bawling my brains out to giggling in a very short period of time. For that I will always be thankful and I hope she realizes it.

On a more positive note, today, I didn't even freak out once.

On a random note, a guy friend from my old job told me he was playing soccer with a boy I was completely ga-ga over last summer. I think this boy I was ga-ga over was my first love but I'd never tell him that since we never actually dated. Awkward, right?! Ya, definitely. The funny thing is that no matter where I am- Oregon, school, Ohio- this guy follows me. Obviously not literally. It's just kind of annoying because I was finally starting to get over this guy until I met "that boy".
When "that boy" drove down to see me before the move, the last-summer-boy was at the courts at which we were playing. Again, AWKWARD. I'm over last-summer-boy but since "that boy" has forgotten that I exist, I've found myself thinking about last-summer-boy.
The workings of a teenage female mind are just revolting. And boredom does NOT help.

A week from today and I will be in Oregon. My future is awaiting me.

Until then, here are some more pictures I took here in Ohio at the Canton Art District in Canton Ohio.





<3 S

She would change everything, everything just ask her
Caught in the inbetween, a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home.

Beautiful Disaster- Jon McLaughlin

Look up the Lyrics to this song. It pretty much alligns perfectly with my life these days. I'm totally stuck in between stages right now; between independantly living on my own 2500 miles away from my family, and needing them to be my crutch to live off of. I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm freaking out about everything back in Oregon.

Also in the same song, there's a line that I'm feeling right now.
"Every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
the pictures that she sees makes her cry."

I have always struggled with my weight, not feeling like I was beautiful because I'm not "thin". I know that I'm not fat but I'm still not happy with my body. I'm embarrassed to say this but at the same time, I don't really think anyone is reading this so why the hell not. I went through a tough time earlier this year and I made myself throw up twice after eating. The thing is, it came extremely easy to me. I felt good after but also I felt guilty and I felt like I was hurting myself. I couldnt believe I would stoop so low to "fit in". I've seriously considered trying to purge to lose weight but so far I haven't and I'm proud of myself.
The reason I haven't is because I made a promise to my roommate. I had a break down and just confided everything in her, about my self image problems and I told her I would never do it again, so I havent.
I know that I am a nice person, I know that I'm pretty-ish but I'm also very average. Boys aren't interested in me. At least that's how I feel, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Speaking of boys, "that boy" hasn't responded to my texts in 2 weeks. That also makes me feel great. I also found a picture of him and another girl on facebook. grrreeeaaattt. or not. well his loss not mine.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE.
I leave to go back to Oregon in 8 days, that means I get to start packing tomorrow :]. I'm so ready.

But first I'll be taking a trip to dreamland.
Until next time,
<3 S

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I may not make it these last 12 days in Ohio.
I hate it. I love my family and they are so important to me but I may possibly kill them in the next 2 weeks.
We're just all so bored that we pick at each other until we snap.

Get me out of Ohio. SOON.


On a happier note, here's something pretty.



{Photo credit: Anna Be Bridal Boutique via Style Me Pretty}

<3 S

Not Just A House.

I apologize for my blogging hiatus.
All of my readers probably missed me a lot.

I have realized that I may be depressed.
I'm always so negative, I have a horrible self image right now, and I'm not really enjoying my time here with my family. I think the reason I'm not enjoying myself is because I ONLY HANG OUT WITH MY FAMILY. It is so horrible to be saying this but I can't wait to be out of here. I have no friends which makes me completely unmotivated to do anything including; taking care of myself, finding things that make me happy, respecting my family members.
I'm a constant BITCH.

I am on the countdown until I get out of this little prison.

To add to the fact that my summer is sucking majorly, I was snooping around "that boy"'s facebook today and found a cute little couple picture of him with another girl. Have I mentioned that I hate my life?! Oh well I do. For the moment at least. I knew this would happen... Some other girl who he can actually spend time with and who is fun and peppy and NOT depressed comes along looking super cute and wins him over while I'm stuck listening to my brother sing off key to his ipod music which no one else can hear. Awesome.

One neat thing that happened today is that my family drove by the old house of my great Aunt Sally. The house was built in 1864 during the Civil War era. It's an incredible house but unfortunately after the passing of my great uncle, my Aunt has moved into a house nearer to her daughter. This house was just too much to handle for a 96 year old, 85 pound, 5 foot tall woman.

My great aunt was really an incredible woman, along with my whole family on that side. There were six children, my grandfather being the only boy in the family. Sally met the love of her life, Carl Copp in an interesting way. He was her sister's brother-in-law to-be. Two brothers married two sisters. Romantic, right? Both men went off to WWII and returned to their wives and families. Aunt Sally and Uncle Carl started an old-fashioned English hunting club, with horses, hounds, beautiful riding cloaks... the whole nine yards. They would hunt on the land behind their house. The house also had stables, a tennis court and a swimming pool. It's truly my picture of southern comfort living. It's marvelous. I took some photos on my phone and tried to touch them up on the computer. It can, in no way, do the home justice but I felt a closeness to God while I was there.

Enjoy.













<3 S

Blast from the Past.

My brother and I went to the YMCA today to play some volleyball and it was a BLAST. We had so much fun even though we didnt get to play on the same team very often. It was just a typical pickup game but it was great.

There was one woman who absolutely amazed me. She was at least 65 years old and was the most accurate player on the court.
Looks DEFINITELY are deceiving :]

<3

I was very enlightened. And soaking wet.

Today was a momentous occasion.

I WITNESSED MY VERY FIRST FLASH FLOOD.

My mom, sister and I were minding our own, perusing the aisles of Sam's Club when we heard a strange rumbling sound. If I were outside, the thought would have occurred to me that the sound was thunder, but we were inside and the noise was SO LOUD! Sister says "Wow that's some loud thunder", to which I reply, "That's not thunder. Someone must be moving things around in here." I mean, it was loud. After checking out our items, we looked outside to see SHEETS of water pouring out of the sky.

I ran to the car (about 150 feet away) and was saturated by the time I got into the vehicle. It was truly incredible.
Coming from the Northwest, we're used to longevity when it comes to rain, but not volume like that in such a short period of time. My mom, sister and I were just amazed and laughing so hard amidst the solemn-faced locals. By the time we had loaded the car and driven another mile, the rain had completely stopped and blue sky surrounded us on all sides.

While I was sitting in the passenger's seat as we drove home, I realized that this is oftentimes how life goes.
When it rains it pours and after those few minutes of severe torrential rain, it's beautiful again.
I was very enlightened. And soaking wet.

<3 S

10 things that shocked the heck out of me... or maybe just one.

Have you ever seen the movie "10 Things I Hate About You"?
If not here's a short summary.
The movie is based off of William Shakespeare's play, The Taming of the Shrew. Heath Ledger is one of the main characters and looks delightfully yummy. And it just happens to be one of my very favorite movies. In the movie there is a section in which Kat (Julia Stiles) has just broken up with Patrick (Heath Ledger) because he was paid to take her to prom in order for Joey to take out Kat's sister Bianca, who really wants to go, and actually ends up going, with Cammeron. Confused yet?
That's about all the back ground information you need for this post.
Anyway, Kat creates a sonnet for her English class titled 10 Things I Hate About You. In the sonnet, she describes all of the things she likes and dislikes about Patrick, and in the last part of the sonnet, tells him she still loves him. What's not to like about this classic '90s teen romance?!

There's a point to this story, I swear.
Today while standing in the bathroom, my little sister told me that she had written a "10 things" list to me, completely out of the blue. When I asked if I could see it, she told me that she had thrown it away and couldn't remember anything on it.
That is where I called B.S. After prodding her about it for a few more minutes, she told me that one thing on the list was along the lines of "You're gorgeous but you don't even know it, let alone believe it."

*Breath Whooshing away from lungs*

That was probably the most genuine compliment I had ever received. Coming from my sister it was nothing short of a miracle. I guess I realized ow hard I am on my self and I need to make loving myself more of a priority.

<3 S

Love is everwhere. Insert Gagging noise here.

It seems like everyone around me is doing one of four things:

*Getting married- I've realized that 5 people I went to high school with have gotten married in the last 2 months, 2 more are engaged and my cousin is getting married in March. I LOVE weddings and the only one I've been invited to is my cousin's. I want to be a wedding planner yet NO ONE even invites me to the wedding. Sad Day

*Having a child- Everyone is pregnant! It's surrounding me! It's not people I know very well but there are like 10 babies being brought into the world by people I know. Which is crazy.

*Having a nasty breakup- One of my best friends called me at 3 o'clock am yesterday to describe in gory detail how her boyfriend broke up with her. Okay so it has only happened to one person around me but still it was major.

*Getting into a relationship with Mr./Ms. Perfect- from my best guyfriend's little sister to my elementary school friend from ages ago finally finding her first boyfriend.

All of this relationship stuff makes me want someone to cuddle up with. I'm kind of lonely over here.
I talked to "that boy" last night, though. It was so nice to hear from him. I don't know if it's the distance, that I looked like poo poo last night, or the fact that he talked about giving another girl a ride on his motorcycle, but part of me is moving to the idea that it's not going to work when I get back to Oregon. Only God knows, but my sight is being clouded by pessimism. With all this luvie duvie-ness around me, I'm a little over the romanticism, which is NOT NORMAL for me!

On a Lighter note, I found out that I am going to a Tim McGraw/Lady Antebellum Concert on August 5th. Excitement doesnt even come close to my reaction. I LOVE both groups. I'm slightly obsessed with Lady A though :]SOOOO FUNNNN!!!!!



Until Next time,

<3 S

My Problem.

I'm looking for meaning in life. Of course, I will never know what the meaning of life is, but I'm very happy that I've been put on this earth. God has created a place for me to be surrounded by people who deeply care about me and I feel so blessed to have such an incredible family.

I miss my friends though. I can't wait to get together with my girls or see "that boy" again when I get back to Oregon. Speaking of "that boy", I really miss him. We have barely talked at all since I've been over here and I'm trying to give him space. Let him come to me, ya know?! It's just hard because I don't have anything to think about, so my mind wanders to him. I'm starting to think his mind doesn't wander to me... That's my problem; I give my heart away too quickly, and usually it's more than the other person wants to give. I guess it's a good thing, it's just hard to get used to.



I feel like this woman. Alone, dark clouds behind her, contemplative, and not noticing the beauty of the flower around her.

P.S. This painting in MAGNIFICENT. I'm in love.

sunglasses sunburns are painful and they look really really cool...

I really don't have a lot to write about today.

I woke up to a text message saying that friend A has proof the friend B's boyfriend is cheating on friend A. That woke me up pretty quickly. Headed to the gym after I could not fall back to sleep due to this earth shattering info, showered after sweating like an old man at the Y, grabbed myself some Starbucks (not the greatest coffee but caffeine period runs my world), all this before 8 a.m.

***NOTE TO SELF- Find a good local coffee shop***

This eventful morning was followed by 3 games of soccer, watching my brother's high school games that is. It was really nice seeing him playing again. He had surgery on his lateral meniscus in March, but had been playing injured since October. He's finally getting his fire back and that's great to see. Plus this was his first game on the new team out here in Ohio. They looked pretty good, but I guess I'm a bit biased. 8+ hours of soccer/sun in one day = exhaustion and we're doing it all again tomorrow.

Tomorrow add a few hours of sleep and a yoga class and bump the soccer back a bit and you have my day.



A word to the wise, Sunburns hurt, but sunglasses sunburns are painful and they look really really cool...

It's right there in your own backyard.

Boredom is hitting me by the truckload. Of course I have things to do around the house, but of course I don't want to do them. My attitude is low again today but I promised my "readers" that I would be more optimistic today.

I've been perusing Blogger, looking for inspiration and reading into lives of people I've never met. It's pretty inspiring, actually. A lot of them are about religion, traveling and random notes, like mine, but occasionally I'll stumble across a blog about living with leukemia, or an incredible garage sale find. It's amazing what other people are experiencing in their lives.

My favorite blogs to find, though, are photography, whether it be original or web-based. I've always wanted to be a photographer. The creativity and beauty that cameras catch in this world astounds me. I am a very spiritual person and I feel that a single picture can move the soul. So what did I do today instead of finishing dinner preparations or touch up the spots that need painting in my bedroom? I grabbed my camera and went outside.



I found these flowers in my back yard and was inspired. I hadn't even noticed that they were there, content in the shade of the trees that line our fence. I realized that I haven't been looking for the beauty in the world, and maybe that's why I'm not enjoying my time. I came into the house, sweaty from the humidity, with the biggest smile I've had on my face in a while. Creativity always puts me in a happy place.

Remember, to take in the beauty of the world. It's right there in your own backyard.

<3 S

The "Toy Story" effect.

Since we moved into our house in Ohio, I've been finding a lot of things that have reminded me of things in my past. I've found old photos, stuffed animals, clothes, toys, all of the things one would expect to find. I've thought about all the "good times from my past, all 19 years of it. I know, I'm practically a baby, but since I'm practically blogging to myself, I can pretend I'm old and wise.

Seeing all of these things brings out a "Toy Story" mode in me: making everything feel loved once again. It makes me sad because it means that I've forgotten about certain items.

In the three weeks that I've been here, I have yet to make a friend. The only people that have made an effort to check in on me are a select few, I can count the number on my hands. I don't count my parents friends who have "checked in" on my facebook page. That's kind of lame. I am beginning to feel like I'm the forgotten toy.

Yes, we had our good times, our memories of exciting adventures, but now I've been pushed under the bed, and the new toys are getting their turn. I know I'm being dramatic but like I said, I'm only 19.

I don't want to be forgotten by the boy that I was starting to see before I was catapulted into a new city with no car, no friends and no life. He made me feel like I was unforgettable. SYKE! I don't want to be forgotten by my "friends" back home. I just wish that someone would take the time out of their day to check in with a little call. Someone to tell me that they miss me and I haven't been forgotten.

I love spending time with the fam, but the truth is that I need to get out of this house. I'm going insane. There is only so much time that can be devoted to avoiding family members, especially when I'mm my mom's right hand woman. I'll sit down for five seconds and then it's "Do this... Can you come here... I need your opinion..." I love my mother but it seems like I'm the other half of her brain. How wil she function when I move back to school?!

I promise my next post will be more exciting. I'm not always a Debby-Downer, if anyone is actually reading this.

<3 S

More than Hot Air.

Blondes are subject to jokes. It's a simple fact. Because we have light skin pigmentation, and the alleles in our genes match up in a certain way, we are not as smart as the rest of the world. Unfair much?!

I may not be a rocket scientist, but because I choose to keep my hair in a lighter shade, I am automatically labeled as the dumb blond. Yes, I may have my ditzy moments, but I can guaruntee that so to red heads, brunettes and people with black hair. It's not very fair.

It blows my mind how easily stereotypes are created. From blonde hair equaling a lack of intelligence to dark skin equaling a rise in crime rate. Our world is so incredibly judgemental and it breaks my heart.

I just moved from my quiet little town in Oregon, to a larger scaled city in Ohio. Back home in OR, the most racial diversity we saw was the migrant hispanic workers and their families. Aside from that it was mostly a Caucasian based community. I felt safe in my city, safe in my school, safe with my friends. Then my family was uprooted after my freshman year in college to a state 2500 miles away from the place I had called home for the last 16 years of my life. Not only were were moved across the country but we were moved into a completely new cultural center. Instead of having a single racial group surrounding our middle class Caucasian American family, we had TONS of different types of people. I thought to myself, this is so exciting! Tons of people from different backgrounds in one city, there's got to be so much going on in this town. As I was driving around looking for the bank, I ended up in a lower income side of town. That was something I thought I had witnessed back home, until I drove into a neighborhood about two blocks from the bank. My mom and I were awe-struck at the poverty in this neighborhood, looking around to see boarded up windows and cars that were missing windows. I won't lie; I was kind of scared. Scared enough to slowly reach for the lock button on the car door. I had never seen it that bad in real life.
We pulled up to the bank. It was the first of the month so EVERYONE was at the bank, cashing their pay check or paying off bills. I was apalled at my reaction. I double checked to make sure the doors were locked because there were lower class people all over the bank parking lot, blasting rap music from their cars as if this was the local hangout. I thought, I don't want to stay in the car all by myself, I've seen too many thriller movies where the young girl gets taken from the car by the gangsters in the parking lot. It was the most irrational thought I've ever had, and instantly I was ashamed of my judgement.

The point I'm trying to get across is that we can't control how quickly our minds move from one thought to another. We can judge people just as unconsciously as taking a deep breath. The point is not to act on the judgements we make on people. Whether we assume that the blond girl is ditzy, or assume that the man with baggy jeans will steal you from inside your locked car. Acting on the judgements is what gets people in trouble, not the judgements themselves.

<3 S